Coping With Emotional Pain


Yesterday I was one huge emotional mess.  I will spare you the gory details, but suffice it to say, I was so depressed and confused that I felt the earth would swallow me whole.  The emotional pain turned physical as I felt an indescribable heaviness on my chest, as if there was a small nitrogen cylinder in my heart, almost about to explode from the extremely high nitrogen cylinder pressure pushing down on it.

All that pain made me pause to think about how technology has no way to ease one’s emotional pain.  With all the advancements man has made in science, why hasn’t anybody come up with a device or gadget which effectively and magically wipes away memories?  I wish it were possible to wipe away all things we wish to forget… those life events which cause us so much pain and trauma.

In lieu of this dream gadget, we are left to cope with life’s occasional harshness the long and hard way.  When trying to get over a breakup, for instance, you have to go through stages of pain before you finally emerge healed.  Sometimes, you inevitably go back and forth through the process, making it twice as hard.

Personally, I have no game plan when it comes to dealing with the cannonballs life hurls at me.  When something tragic happens, initially I’m stunned and left immobile.  And then, I turn to God.  I literally look to the sky and talk to God.  I lift up my arms in a virtual hug.  Somehow, that comforts me and gives me the strength to survive another day.

The Revirginization of Me

Well, what do you know?  There is such a word!  I dared Google it, and was surprised to find out that such a word existed.  Simply put, it means restoring a woman’s virginity through surgery.

Before you get any ideas, let me clarify that I didn’t go under the knife to “reconstruct” any body part.  The revirginization I’m going through is more emotional and mental than physical.  Okay, maybe partly physical, since I haven’t had any form of sexual encounter in ages.  I sometimes feel that my womanly parts are reconstructing themselves because of “lack of use”.  I am now teetering on TMI, so I better go back to the emotional and mental aspects of this revirginization.

I am a virgin once more (insert Madonna’s Like a Virgin song here).  I’m a virgin in the sense that on certain occasions, I feel as if I’m back to my old self- my pre-mommy self.  On weekends when my daughter is away at her dad’s, I feel like I’m reverting back to singleblessedness.

I go back to thinking only of myself, to sleeping in without considering the needs of a dependent, cute, pint-sized, precocious, sweet and loving child.

I start taking the time to really comb my hair, parting it in a way that highlights my face.  I take longer baths, pampering myself with a luxurious bath gel.

This revirginization is good, I realize.  It helps me reconnect with who I am.

And then, I feel a sharp pain shoot through my heart.  Yes, I miss my daughter so bad, I count the hours until she gets back.  Revirginization is healthy, though I feel that a part of me dies everytime she leaves…


My Life: Are You In It?

When I was in seventh grade, I gave a speech in class on this topic: “Enjoy life, do not fear death”.  Until now, I can vividly remember my teacher nodding in agreement almost all throughout my spiel.  My classmates were so quiet that you could hear a pin or a bead of sweat drop.

I can’t recall much of what I said back then.  What I do remember is saying that we should make the most of our lives, and not be afraid of death, because it is a gateway to a different kind of life.  It is not the end, but the beginning of something new.

Now, I don’t think I can say those words with much conviction.  I have to admit that death is something that freaks me out like an unwanted pimple on a date night.  It’s not so much about the pain of death, but the fact that I’ll be leaving behind my daughter and the other people dearest to me.  Thinking about my departure from this world leaves me with a heavy heart and an uneasy stomach.

I have this tendency to get attached to people I meet.  This is probably one of the reasons I spend some of my free time scouring the net for people I have lost touch with.   Some of them, I can’t find on Facebook, so I’ve started searching on this “people search engine” called which helps you find long lost friends, lovers or co-workers.  It feels refreshing to be able to connect with old friends.

The Beatles’ song, In My Life now plays in my head.  I continue to reflect on my life and the people I’ve met.  I loved them all… I love them all…

What You Wouldn’t Want to Know About Me

My wounded knees are living proof that as a kid, I took my games seriously.  Whenever I played tag for instance, my competitive nature would take over and I was always determined to win.  That was more of a priority than having fun.

Fast forward to today, I’m participating in a blog game, but it’s not at all about winning.  I guess it’s about deriving a sense of fun from revealing things about another person.  My blogger friend Joy from Catharsis tagged me, and has tasked me with answering the following questions which seek to divulge certain aspects of my personality.

What is the thing that makes you want to get out of bed each day? 

The urge to go to the bathroom.  Really.

What do you tell yourself to get through painful, difficult, or challenging times?

This too shall pass.

What can you look back on and remind yourself you were successful at, or were strong enough to come through?

The divorce (in my case, annulment)I came out of it unscathed, and stronger.

Look around you at this moment and choose one thing to smile about or be thankful for. What is it?

Without batting an eyelash, it’s my daughter.  She’s everything to me… more than everything.

If you could do anything at this moment to make yourself happy, what would it be?
I’d dance to any Janet Jackson song.  Or maybe do a mean Roger Rabbit to the tune of  Ice Ice Baby.

Do you have a special place, real or imagined, where you go to in your mind or reality to regroup, seek peace, or just be?
Yes, the bathroom. 

Has there been a particular book that you have read that inspired or motivated you to seek your potential?
Oh, The Thinks You Can Think by Dr. Seuss.

What childhood fable, fairytale, or movie stretched your imagination and sticks with you today?

Nothing comes to mind, sorry.  Does Ghost (starring Demi Moore) count?

What is your favorite form of art and artist (anyone and anything you consider art qualifies)?

I love 80’s music.  But lately, my daughter has managed to convince me that Katy Perry and One Direction are formidable artists.

Do you have a personal anthem, a song, that reminds you of who you are and want to be, that represents the ideal of you? 

Borderline by Madonna.  I sometimes feel I’m on the brink of losing it.

What did you experience while answering these questions?    

I felt like going to the bathroom.


Now, I must pass on the torch to these bloggers who must answer the same questions:

Czjai of The Rebel Sweetheart

Roshni of Big A Little A

Ana Karen of A Blog of Chips & A Jar of Dip


Holiday Orphan.Me

When I can’t type my password correctly, I know there’s something terribly wrong.  My fingers lose graceful coordination when something’s bothering me.

This coming weekend is something I’m not looking forward to.  The President (Lord, bless his balding head!) declared at the last minute that the 20th of August will be a holiday.  August 21st has already been previously declared a holiday, so that means we’re having a four-day weekend.

While a huge part of the population may be in a state of euphoria about it, I am so dreading those days.  Once again, I’m going to be an accidental holiday orphan.  Well, maybe not exactly “accidental”, as I almost always end up alone during holidays.  My daughter will spend that long weekend at her Dad’s, so that leaves me doing another Macaulay Culkin.

There will be no “significant other (SO)” to snuggle up with.  Truth be told, there’s a greater chance that a meerkat will show up at my doorstep than Mr. SO and I will spend time together.

Looking at the silver lining of this cloud, I can just think of it as valuable “me” time.  I can sleep in and not think of anybody else but myself.  I won’t have to look after anyone or make grilled cheese sandwiches… or watch Phineas and Ferb (who am I kidding, of course I’ll miss my little girl!).

And yes, I almost forgot about my friends.  I can go see them and pig out or do something out of the box.

Before I know it, my daughter will be back in my arms, and I shall be reborn… and probably have a meerkat as a pet.

Faith Over Fear: When Growing Old Doesn’t Suck

Looking in the mirror is the first thing I do when I get up in the morning.  Today, I got the shock of my life, as I saw one white strand of hair!  I was faced with the decision whether to pull it out or not.  I decided not to.

And then, the question just had to present itself: Am I aging?

I must be in denial, yes.  I don’t want to grow old.  Not just yet.  Time, be my friend…

Oh, but I must accept the fact that I’m not getting any younger.  Before I know it, fine lines are going to make manifest on my face.  Instead of buying myself a nice Equi Theme jacket and a funky pair of riding boots from an equestrian clearance sale, I’ll have to get me one of those anti-aging creams.

What’s so bad about aging, anyway?  Sure, arthritis and episodes of dementia will set in, but that’s just how things go.  Nobody stays young forever.

With age comes wisdom, they say.  That’s true, I guess.  Over the years, both the bitter and sweet events in my life have taught me important life lessons which have shaped me into the woman I am today.

But I must admit that I am afraid to grow old.  Maybe it’s the uncertainty that comes with it.  I fear about the future- my daughter’s future.  I want her to live out her dreams, whatever they may be.  If her fascination with the London 2012 Olympics is any indication, she may just end up being that equestrian I have always wanted to be.

I fear about my future.  I don’t want to grow old alone.  I do long for a lifetime partner to grow old and hold hands with on the front porch while sipping tea and listening to 80’s music.

This is where faith has to come in.  I should have faith in God, in the future, and in myself.  If I learn to trust Him, I shouldn’t be so afraid of what will happen.  I’m in good hands.

I Wish I Had Facial Hair

No, you definitely are not looking at a typo, nor have I gone totally insane- at least I don’t think so!  I just sometimes wish I were male.  Yes, I wish was one of those chaps who burped on command and knew what RF coaxial connectors were all about.  If by some twist of fate I suddenly wake up to find myself a brewing pot of androgen, then I would be pleased, because I will then have transformed into a single dad.



Single dads win over single moms in the attractiveness department.  Based on my observation, single fathers seem to have it much easier when it comes to snatching someone from the opposite sex.

You know how a single man walking around the park with a dog attracts women passing him by?  That’s pretty much how it works with single dads.  I don’t mean to compare kids to dogs (they’re both cute, by the way), but they somehow serve the same purpose- they both make single dads or men appealing.

When a woman meets a single dad, she gets the impression that he is nurturing, caring and loving.  Any man in touch with his feminine side scores points with the ladies on any given day.

On the other hand, when a man meets a single mom, she inevitably drops a notch or two on the sexiness scale.   The thought of “excess baggage” rears its ugly head and sometimes repels men, as if the woman had bad breath.

I guess that’s just how things are.  There are simply some stereotypes which we can’t readily shake off.

But then again, there are instances when it hardly matters whether a single woman has kids or not.  I do know some single moms who have found love in its truest form.  They have found real men who have accepted them despite their not-so-pleasant past.  Maybe I’m just jealous.

What’s your take on this?


My Unwritten Dream


There’s a fairly good reason why my favorite subject back in school was Math.  The answer is either wrong or right, no gray area whatsoever.  It’s an exact science.

When it came to essay writing though, I remember being a bit on the edge of my seat on most occasions.  The thought of writing term papers loomed over me like dark clouds on an otherwise sunny day.

Sure, I had a million and one thoughts racing through my head, waiting for the chance to be immortalized in print, but the problem was in organizing them.  I’d jump from one topic to the next, as I wasted so much paper and made my pinky sore from typing on the typewriter (Yes, it was that long ago!).  I wanted to impress my teachers so much, that if it was available then, I would have enlisted the help of a professional writing service such as Essay Site to give me that stellar manuscript I so desired.

That almost makes me wonder why I’m now sucked into the realm of blogging.  My writing may still be far from stellar, but I do enjoy what I do.  I’ll just keep pushing myself to become a better writer and who knows, that first novel may just be waiting in the wings…

A Happy Rewind: Looking Back On Friendships Past

There’s just something about rainy days that make me all nostalgic.  The pitter-patter of the raindrops on the rooftops sends me back to my childhood.  As I sit here, looking out the window, imagining those raindrops to be lemon drops and gum drops, I suddenly remember my old pen friend.

I was in grade 4 when I had a pen friend from Germany.  We religiously wrote each other back, trading pictures and stories of our growing pains.  Whenever I’d get mail from her, I remember tearing the envelope with so much fervor, that it would make the mailman grin in amusement.  It felt like heaven.

I imagine how she is now.  Did she finally marry her hot boyfriend back then?  Will she and I ever get to meet personally after all these years?

The internet seems to answer everything, so I looked up how to find people by area code or name. I came across this website which allows you to find people from your past, simply by keying in their name, age, location in the search toolbar.  They then scour online profiles and databases and come up with a list of search results with their contact info.  It’s pretty amazing how the internet makes the world a smaller place.

I have to admit though, nothing beats the thrill you get from receiving mail, and sniffing that scented stationery…  But we always must keep moving forward, because that’s the only way to go.

TAFKAP: The Artist Formerly Known As Pepper

Betcha by golly wow, I am not a perfect person!  There are close to a thousand and one things I’d like to change about myself.  Sure, we always say, “We’re only human!” but is there anything wrong with striving for perfection- or at least, self-improvement?  We may never be flawless but we can always snip away at our nasty habits and unappealing traits.  As for me, here are some things I’d like to work on when it comes to my personality overhaul:

Temper.    My pot boileth over when things don’t go as planned.  I seethe with anger when my daughter tries to battle it out with me during a habitual power struggle.  Curse words come out of my mouth when some driver with an IQ of 50 tries to cut me off at the intersection.  Little things set me off like a dynamite.

Needless worry.  The operative word here is “needless”.   I read somewhere that “Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair.  It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.”  That’s one lesson I’d like to drill into my thick skull.  Ever since I can remember, I’ve always been an advocate of worry, and it hasn’t done me any good- healthwise.  I often find myself losing sleep because of worrying over the smallest of things.

If I am known to possess those traits, I would like to do away with them.  It will take tremendous willpower to change one’s personality, but I will do it.   Like a boxer trying to knock his opponent down by round 5, I will damn well do it.

How about you?  Is there anything about yourself which you know you can possibly change- or improve?