My Childhood Lawn: Memoirs of Heaven Lost

Spring has sprung.  It feels so good just saying that, as this is the season which brings hope for new things.  Hope is something I am in desperate need of right now.  Things have seemed to hit a blank wall, and I’m dying for direction and purpose.  I don’t know where to go, or how to get to where I should be.

This takes me back a hundred years to when I was 9 years old.  My place of refuge has always been our lawn.  The way my mother took care of it, she would have made the experts at lawn care in Springfield, MO cringe in shame.  The grass was so properly kept, and I remember spending hours just laying down on it, like it was a Persian carpet.  I don’t remember any pesky insects bugging me then.  There was a huge tree whose shade gave me the comfort I needed when I needed it.  I’d sit on the grass and lean against it, like it was my mother’s bosom.  That lawn was my slice of heaven here on earth.

I’d look up into the sky, and make figures out of the clouds.  I’d imagine being a princess riding on a horse with my prince charming.  Everything was perfect whenever I lounged on that lawn.  All my fears and worries seemed to melt away like a popsicle in my hand on a hot summer’s day.

Now, I find myself yearning for that lawn.  I wish I had that place of refuge today.  More than ever, I need reassuring from that shady tree.  I long for the soft grass where I could safely hit my head without suffering a concussion.

Why is heaven on earth so elusive these days?  Has it really vanished into thin air, or is there somehow some form of heavenly bliss here which I’m only blinded to.  Am I looking for heaven in the wrong place?

All I really want is to be a kid again- stripped of paralyzing fear and needless worry.  But I can’t go back.  I have no lawn to return to.  All I have is here and now.

What I want, I can’t have.  There’s one other thing I really, really want, but I don’t think I’ll ever get it.  Even if I threw a tantrum at God, He might just turn a deaf ear.  When will things take a turn for the better?  Maturity sucks big time…

About Pepper

I am a single working mom, trying to raise my kid the best way I know how. Join me as I navigate my way through the jungle that is Single Mom-hood, armed with rose-colored glasses and strength of spirit. As pepper adds spice to food, so does my daughter add spice to my life. She makes life no less than…PEPPERRIFIC!

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Comments

  1. my lawn was my bed, inside my bedroom. it was my private haven, where i dream as well as do my own thing.

  2. I feel for you. When I was a kid I wanted to grow old and be an adult already but now I’m one I wish I never grow old.

  3. I hope I can stay like this forever. I want to do in my life is. Watch your kids growing up, have their own family, seeing their success in lives.

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